This has been a hard semester to be single. There have been a lot
of people that I know and have grown up with getting engaged and starting to
think seriously about marriage. While I’m not really ready to get engaged or
married, it does make it hard to be single and not be in a relationship. All of
this has led to thoughts about whether or not I should be in a relationship
again. I've been thinking a lot about dating and boys lately. All of these thoughts have reminded me of the standards I once held for myself.
About seven years ago I went to a BarlowGirl concert. The girls in
that band take a stand for purity and waiting on God to reveal their husband
instead of dating. I was inspired by that concert and felt God telling me that
he wanted me to do the same thing. I felt God telling me not to date and to just
spend time falling in love with him. God would let me know
who the right guy was. I wanted my first boyfriend to be my husband. I also
wanted to save my first kiss for my wedding day. I had some very high standards
for myself and I wanted to hold to them. That was my covenant, my promise to
God. I've written before about how I have completely failed at keeping those promises. I've compromised myself in a lot of other ways too. But in the end I realized that I was forgiven. I also realized that purity is not making it like the sin never happened. Purity is
being clean and being given a second chance in spite of it happening. That’s
what it means to be redeemed.
Because I have been redeemed I can have those same standards for
myself as I did before. I was already planning on saving my “new first kiss”
for my wedding day. But God kept sort of asking me, “Are you going to wait to
date again too?” I didn’t answer him for a long time. I didn’t want to. I knew
I was redeemed and had my purity back. I knew I could make that decision not to
date until God revealed my husband to me. But I was scared to make the promise
again. I was scared to make that promise to God again because I had messed up
so badly before. I didn’t want to make the promise and then break it again.
I was thinking about boys a few nights ago when God said,
“Lindsey, are you ready to get married any time soon? No? Then why are you so
concerned with finding a boyfriend?” Well that was convicting. I had also been
thinking a lot about how some people say, “I had to be okay with not getting
married before God gave me a husband/wife.” I can’t help but feel that’s an
unfair statement. I don’t think I’ll ever really be okay with not having a
husband. It’s a desire rooted deep within my heart. That’s not wrong to have
that desire. It is only wrong if I let that desire for a man get in the way of
my relationship with God (which I am very guilty of doing). What I really need
is just to be content with God and wait on him rather than constantly wanting
to be in a temporary relationship.
The next night was prayer group. All of us ask for prayer for
different things and on this particular night I decided it would be cool if we
laid hands on each other and prayed for each other. I hadn’t told anyone about
God convicting me about relationships or being content. And then my friend
started praying for me, “I feel like I’m supposed to pray that Lindsey would be
content.” And there was God again, tugging at my heart through a word of
knowledge from my friend.
So today I spent some time just talking to God about all of this. I
read Psalm 103 which reminded me of the great love of God. Mostly I just cried
out to God and told him that I wanted his will for my life. And quietly, he
reminded me that I am redeemed. I don’t have to be scared to make a promise to
God because I failed in the past. I am redeemed. I can rise above my past and
stay true to my word this time. I have been offered a second chance and I am
deciding to take it. I realized that even though this was a hard decision to
make, the end result would be so much better if I do things God’s way.
I smiled when I realized this because it reminded me of something
I had just said to my dad the night before. I was texting him because he was
nervous about going to Costa Rica for a week long mission trip. I had said to
him in the text, “This is going to be a life changing experience. Life changing
experiences are always scary and challenging at first but they are always worth
it in the end.” As I was coming to this revelation with God today I realized
that I could apply exactly what I had said to my dad to myself. Not dating and
waiting on God to bring my husband is going to be really challenging for me.
But the challenge will bring a change in me. I thought it was interesting that
the word changing is in the word CHAlleNGING.
So I am renewing my covenant that I made so long ago. I am going
to live as a redeemed individual and start over, taking the second chance that
God has offered me. This is my covenant, my promise, to God.
I will save all of myself physically for my husband on my wedding
day.
I will save my new first kiss for my husband on my wedding day.
I will not date unless God has told me that the man is going to be my husband.
I am very happy about all of this. I know it will be difficult at
times but I am looking forward to the rewards God has in store for me. I can’t
wait until God reveals this guy to me. I can’t wait until my wedding day when I
get to have my new first kiss with the man that I have been waiting for. But I’m
really looking forward to what God is going to teach me in the meantime. And I
am so thankful that I serve a God who loves me enough to redeem me and give me
a second chance.
Shortly after I made this decision and wrote it down on paper, the
song “The Stand” by Hillsong United came on. The lyrics fit the situation
perfectly. Especially the part that says, “So what can I say, What can I
do, But offer this heart O God, Completely to You. So I'll
stand, With arms high and heart abandoned, In awe of the One who
gave it all. So I'll stand, My soul Lord to You surrendered.
All I am is Yours.”
