Epilepsy has changed my life. This has
not been a dramatic, 180 degree turn around kind of change. Rather this change
is the result of many small and subtle changes. We have learned to live
life with epilepsy. I’ve learned to make sure I take my seizure medication
twice a day every day or else risk putting myself at higher risk of having a
seizure. We’ve had discussions on what kind of seizures merit going to the ER
and which are just a part of life now. I’ve given actual thought to who my
emergency contacts are, keep the list updated, and make sure the list is in an
easily discoverable place. I’ve educated the people I’m around regularly on
what to do in the case of a seizure. Sometimes I think twice before doing some
simple tasks by myself when no one else is around or home- like showering,
taking the dog on long walks at night, working late at the office when everyone
else has left, and even still, driving. Patrick now pays attention to noises I
make in my sleep and gets concerned if I don’t answer my phone right away. I’ll
now always be sure to pack an extra set of clothes in my carryon when I fly or
travel just in case of a seizure that causes incontinence. I now pay attention
to every headache, every woozy feeling, and any other feeling or sensation in
my body that I probably never even noticed before because I’m still not
completely sure what a seizure coming on feels like. And in spite of all of
this, I consider my epilepsy to be mild compared to some other cases I’ve heard
of. I had six seizures in a year; some people have more seizures than that in a
day.
But the most significant way that
epilepsy changed my life, is that through it, God strengthened my faith and as
a result has given me peace that surpasses understanding. Problems, worries,
and trials that have come up over the past year have not burdened me like they
used to. Uncertainty of the future is not as scary as it once was. I haven’t
spent time worrying about possible worst-case scenario outcomes. Rather than
panicking when plans have changed, seemingly for the worse, I have been able to
take a deep breath and adjust or make a new plan accordingly. I have not been consumed
with worry over bad news, but rather through God’s strength, I have felt calm
and assured that everything will work out. I am not sharing this to try and brag
because it is not something I have accomplished or obtained. I share this
because this is a kind of peace that even I don’t understand. It is not
conjured up from deep within but rather is given to me through the Holy Spirit.
It is so foreign to me and so “not of myself,” that I have to give all of the
glory to God.
Good health is a wonderful thing and I
would never wish sickness and disease on anyone. However, good health can give
us false assurance in ourselves, our strength, and our abilities. And though we
may not realize it, sometimes we put more trust in our health than we do in
God. Looking back on life before epilepsy, I think that certainly described me.
When I started having seizures again, it was a painful reminder that my
strength was not enough. Epilepsy forced me to rely and trust in God more fully.
As a result of relying on God rather than my own abilities, I have been given
peace that even I don’t understand to face any circumstance. I don’t know if I’ll
ever get back to “life without epilepsy” again, that would be nice but that’s not the ultimate goal. No matter what God has in store for me, epilepsy or not, my goal is to never
forget how to live life relying on God’s strength so I can continue to have
peace that surpasses all understanding.
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