“Don’t cry, I’m only taking it away for a bit, trust me, I’ll be back, trust me,” I told little 6 month old, Elliot. I was babysitting for the evening and had been in the middle of giving Elliot his bottle before bed when his older brother, Leo, had gotten out of bed to go to the bathroom and couldn’t get his pajamas back on. I had to take the bottle from Elliot and set him down so I could go help Leo. While I knew that I would be back in just a minute or so to give Elliot the rest of his bottle, he certainly didn’t know that and promptly began to cry because I had taken something so good away from him. Though I care for children and work in children’s ministry where I am regularly teaching children, it amazes me how often children are the ones that teach me- even without meaning to! As I told Elliot that his bottle would be back in just a minute, I realized that God was trying to tell me something very similar.
You see, a little over a week prior to this, side effects of my brain infection as a 16 year old popped up for the first time in the 8 years since it happened and I had unexpectedly had a seizure. I am still waiting to be able to get into a neurologist to find out what exactly happened and get checked out. At least right now, the doctors in the ER led me to believe that it may have been caused by high blood pressure or stress. The doctor also told me that because I’d had seizures in the past, I am more prone to get them now without it being as serious of an issue (such as a brain infection like before). Though the brain infection and seizures the first time around was a big test of my faith, and a lesson I thought I had learned, I found my faith being put to the test all over again this time. As I voiced several of these concerns to my husband, he tried to calm me down by saying, “It will all work out. Just trust God with it.”
I knew I needed to trust God… but honestly, I didn’t want to.
I found myself in a fit a worry. Why did I have another seizure? Was this something I was going to have to live with and constantly worry about the rest of my life? But even more so, what would I do if they took my license away? I’m not quite familiar with the laws and procedures in New York, but I do know that in Pennsylvania you automatically lose your driver’s license for 6 months any time you have a seizure. What was I going to do? What would that mean for my work situation? How was I going to continue the ministry with CEF? I drive everywhere in the summer, what were we going to do? How would I survive without my license, without my freedom to go places? All of this was still on my mind as I took that baby bottle from Elliot and found myself saying to Elliot what I believe God was trying to say to me through my lack of trust.
“Don’t worry. I’ll bring it back, trust me.”
I was reminded of Psalm 84:11 which says, “The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right” (NLT). I had no plans to keep the bottle away from Elliot, I just had to set it down for a while. I know that he needs his bottle, so of course, as his caretaker for the night, I had every intention to bring that good baby bottle back to him. In the same way, I realized my heavenly Father wasn’t going to withhold anything good from me… but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to take it away for a while. After all God knows what I truly need more than I do. Elliot couldn’t understand that I had to step away to care for his brother, he didn’t have the whole story and so he cried until I brought the bottle back. I can’t see all the details and pieces of the story I’m in right now, I don’t understand why this had to happen. It’s scary to be without “the bottle” when you don’t know why it’s gone or when it’s coming back. But God knows. God is in control. And even when life is not, God is good.
I still don’t have all the details. I’m still waiting to find out why the seizure happened. I’m still waiting to find out whether or not I’ll be able to drive. And honestly, I’m still struggling not to worry and trust God completely. But I know that God will not withhold any good thing from me, though I might still do some crying when he takes it away. Nevertheless, my hope remains in him alone. I am learning to trust that soon enough he will either bring back the “bottle” or replace it with something even better.
Of course as if Elliot didn't drive this point home enough, I really listened to the lyrics of this song this week too and it brought me to tears as it perfectly sums this all up. I hope it ministers to you and whatever your "baby bottle" may be.
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